My Journey

TOPSY-TURVY

2011-12-19T16:54:00.003+08:00

After more than a year, I didn't know I would be able to right again on this page but recent incidents is making my head turned topsy-turvy (duh!).

Putting up my own business is resigning from the rat race in the outside world. Competing in men's world was not easy, especially if it’s the construction world. You have to work like men, be tough like men and sometimes play dirty in business like men :-/. But a time came wherein I feel I am no longer happy with what I am doing. I am no longer satisfied on how the construction business is making me swallow my principles for the sake of a project. Guess, I was not really cut out for such work and so I QUIT.

I build my own comfort zone and lead a monotonous life. I am the boss, I own my time and most specially, I was able to spend my time on how I wanted it. There were times that monetary problems come but I don't mind it, all business have its own up and down. I admit i lost a little bit of the fire I have for my business, but at the back of my head, I know I can't give up and have to try harder and make this successful. I was so busy thinking on how to make my new career successful and have forgotten about this thing called LOVE.

I never thought that LOVE would make me feel, I am a mean, I never wanted to hurt anyone. Love is supposed to be a beautiful feeling that would complete you and not to break you. But lately, I don’t like the things going on, here is the feeling of getting trap. I am again having this feeling of needing to go and leave my comfort zone :-/. Seven (7) years back, I have felt this already, I know things aren’t going to work and I don’t have the gall to tell it directly to him so I opted to leave and work away from home. And now, it seems I am back to square one. To some people, it may look I have encourage him coz I never really rejected him, but how will you reject someone who never proposed in person but only in phone. And now, he everyday come to our home, sat beside me, whether I am in my shop or watching tv in our living room. He come as often as he like to visit me, sat beside me but say nothing. disturbing my breakfast and my playtime too. I don’t want to be mean and say this, but he is becoming quite a nuisance to me .

I used to enjoy staying in my shop, laughing with the customer’s while they are playing, listening to them trash-talking each other, but now, I feel like I have to leave. I feel like I should keep our door close and let the customer knock so I would feel safe. It might sound over acting, but I am feeling quite miserable this days and I don’t anymore know what to do. I feel I am about to explode anytime If I don’t write this out.

Christmas is approaching, and I know I don’t have the gall to say this to him anytime soon, please pray for my sanity.

The Most Beautiful Heart

2010-01-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: I didn't wrote this story, i just wanna share this as it is one of the best inspiring story I ever read.

One day a young man was standing in the middle
of the town proclaiming that he had the most
beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large
crowd gathered and they all admired his heart
for it was perfect.

There was not a mark or a flaw in it.
Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most
beautiful heart they had ever seen.
The young man was very proud and boasted
more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of
the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not
nearly as beautiful as mine."

The crowd and the young man looked at the
old man's heart. It was beating strongly,
but full of scars, it had places where pieces
had been removed and other pieces put in, but
they didn't fit quite right and there were
several jagged edges. In fact, in some places
there were deep gouges where whole pieces
were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart
is more beautiful, they thought?
The young man looked at the old man's heart
and saw its state and laughed.

"You must be joking," he said.
"Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect
and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect
looking but I would never trade with you.
You see, every scar represents a person to
whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece
of my heart and give it to them, and often
they give me a piece of their heart which fits
into the empty place in my heart, but because
the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges,
which I cherish, because they remind me of the
love we shared. "Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart
away, and the other person hasn't returned
a piece of his heart to me. These are the
empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance.

Although these gouges are painful, they stay open,
reminding me of the love I have for these people too,
and I hope someday they may return and fill the
space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running
down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man,
reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart,
and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old
man with trembling hands

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart
and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and
placed it in the wound in the young man's heart.
It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.
The young man looked at his heart, not perfect
anymore but more beautiful than ever,
since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.
They embraced and walked away side by side.

Numb

2010-01-30T20:56:00.004+08:00

Have you ever weep but dont know why you are weeping?
Is it because you've been weeping for so long
you dont know anymore what had cause those tears to fall?

Have you ever hurt but dont know what hurts you?
Is it because you've been hurting for so long,
you dont care anymore whether you will be hurt or not?

Have you ever run out of breath but dont know what is strangling you?
Is it because you had not been breathing for so long,
you dont know anymore the feeling of relief?

Have you ever been wounded but dont see it bleeding?
Is it because you've been bleeding for so long,
you dont know anymore how it would feel to heal those wounds?

Is it numbness?

Yes, it surely it is.

Love isn't for everybody!

2009-03-20T16:12:00.005+08:00

Cupid is back to work!

Though he is still not feeling good, he have no choice but to return to work! He have to spread love all over the world 'coz Love is what makes the world go round!

But how he can spread love when he don’t feel love in his heart? :o

Cupid is tired! Like lovers, his heart is breaking too whenever he sees a bleeding heart.

One saddy morning, he pointed his bow to heaven and throw arrows as many he can... aiming to nothingness...

"Go and spread love! Go wherever you want! Just spread love! I am tired guiding people.. coz no matter what I do.. still at the end, they would only break my heart along with their hearts", Cupid was almost screaming these words while throwing his arrows..

Cupid didn’t even bother to wipe the tears that are freely flowing from his eyes… his heart is broken seeing how people wasted the love he had given to them… His heart is filled with sorrow and pains.

He keep on throwing arrows of hearts to the air until he got tired and fed up.

Maybe, love isn't really for everybody, Cupid cried in vain.

maybe there is really no need for a CUPID!

Lilian's 29th Birthday :-P

2009-02-25T08:56:00.009+08:00

Weeeei :P... We are all getting younger... huh.. older I mean :P...

Lilian just turned 29 last February 23 and we celebrated it a day early coz Feb. 23 falls on Monday ;)… Soon it would be me who would turn 29.. Bwuhuhuhu :c… I don’t wanna go older … I wish people starts at being old and go younger as years passes by :o :D...

Anyway, here are the snaps on her birthday... as usual... only me and Marivic were her birthday guest :p... good thing i tag along Maryfel to make a crowd :D...

Please bear with me on the photo resolution :c

Cake from Marivic :D..

Some of the foods...

Lilian killing the poor fish :o :D..

Finish product :-P..

Its so refreshing meeting them again after a long time… We all had a long talk full of laughing and teasing to each other… just like old days :L… so we made the most of our time being together… and took a lots of photo memoirs :D ..

Marivic and Lilian

Maryfel, Marivic and Lilian... I could have been in the picture.. if only I am not the photographer :D

Ganging up for the cam :D

We dont look happy.. aren't we? :P

Letting You Go

2009-02-21T16:59:00.002+08:00

(I never heard the song :P... but I kinda like the lyrics... and it goes something like this :P)

Faktion - Letting You Go
Album: Faktion

The things that make us deep
Are the things that we don't speak
Well, you and I
We don't feel like we used to
Every day's a memory gone by
What they are to me
Too many words to ever speak
So I'm here inside
And I'm still alive

Chorus:
How do we make it all real
I just can't decide
I want to know you for a while
Instead of letting you go again
I can't be stuck here forever, you know
I'm on fire, I am
I'm letting you know
I'm letting you go
I watch you go

The things that bring us together
Only wait to tear us apart
Time goes passing over us

We get lost within our hearts
And nobody ever can remember
How we got there strong or not
We've gone limber and bent ourselves
Towards our differences now
Pulling us apart

Repeat Chorus

They always try to tell you
You'll be aright in time
But what do they know
They're just another
That's missing something on the inside

And how we'll ever be
Better than a memory
Is the question
You will ask me
You will ask me in your dreams

In your dreams
You will ask me in your dreams
I will see you in your dreams

Repeat Chorus

MY UNTITLED PAIN

2009-01-23T08:55:00.003+08:00

Today while deleting unnecessary file in my PC... I came across to this poem which I have written almost a year ago, January 31, 2008 to be exact.. And it goes something like this ;)

► English Version

I wake up feeling so lonely today
It has been a long time since I felt this way
It’s almost two years that pass by
And I thought I have taken you out of my mind

There again the feeling of emptiness
The feeling of longing for you
I hate myself for feeling this way
Is there something that could take this away?

The pain is slowly coming back
And it is tearing my soul apart
All effort of getting over you is in vain
Is there something that could remove this pain?

I have never mourn for my dead heart
And now it is crying out loud
Should I shed tear for you?
Tell me, is that what can heal this wound?

►Tagalog Version :P

Gumising akong puno ng kalungkutan ngayon
Matagal na rin ng huli ko itong naradaman
Kulang dalawang taon na rin ang lumipas
At buong akala ko’y naalis na kita sa aking isipan

Andito na naman ang pakiramdan ng kawalan
Ang pakiramdam na hinahanap hanap ka
Galit ako sa aking sarili dahil dyan
Mayroon bang paraan upang ito’y mawala?

Ang sakit ay unti unting bumabalik
At hinahati nito ang aking kaluluwa
Anumang gawin upang limotin kay walang saysay
Mayroon bang paraan upang ang sakit ay maglaho?

Di ako kailanman nagdalamhati sa pagkamatay ng aking puso
At ngayon ito ay nagsusumigaw sa sakit
Dapat bang lumuha ako para sa iyo?
Sabihin mo, ito ba ang hihilom sa sugatang puso ko?

My Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment Result

2009-01-21T09:04:00.002+08:00

I have taken this today, January 21, 2009… and here is the result :)

My personality type is Introversion, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving(ISFP)

Summary

Retiring, quietly friendly, sensitive, kind, modest about their abilities. Shun disagreements; do not force their opinions or values on pothers. Usually do not care to lead but are often loyal followers. Often relaxed about getting things done because they enjoy the present moment and do not want to spoil it by undue haste or exertion.

Detailed Result

ISFPs direct their energy towards the inner world of thoughts and emotions. They give importance to particular beliefs or opinions, particularly those that relate to people that they know and current experiences. They tend to take a caring and sensitive approach to others.

What makes an ISFP tick?
The Dominant function is the judging one of Feeling. Characteristics associated with this function include:
• Makes decisions on the basis of personal values
• Is appreciative and accepting of people - enjoying company and seeking harmony
• Assesses the impact of decisions on others, being sympathetic or compassionate
• Takes a personal approach

The judging Feeling function is introverted. That is, Feeling is used primarily to govern the inner world of thoughts and emotions. The ISFP will therefore:
• develop an inner emotional life that is often unseen to others, but is experienced as intense
• retain a strong sense of values, which are often not expressed
• emotionally accept or reject various aspects of life - for example, deciding whether praise or criticism received is valid and, at extreme, ignoring whatever is unacceptable
• feel appreciation towards others, but not express it

The Feeling function is primarily supported by extraverted Sensing perception, That is, Sensing perception is used primarily to manage the outer world of actions and spoken words. This will modify the way that the Feeling is directed, by:
• focusing the (inner world) Feeling on current relationships and people, e.g.: through one-to-one discussions and fact-based conversation
• seeking to enjoy the company of those they know, and being concerned for their well-being and happiness
• helping people in practical ways

The classic temperament of an ISFP is Dionesian, or Sanguine, for whom freedom from constraint is a basic driving force - seeking to enjoy the present.

Contributions to the team of an ISFP
In a team environment, the ISFP can contribute by:
• solving problems as they arise, especially ones concerning people
• generating team spirit through promoting co-operation, and engendering a quiet sense of fun
• ensuring the well-being of team members
• being accurate and observant about facts, without putting too much interpretation on them
• modelling flexibility - e.g.: suggesting his/her own ideas, but being considerate of others points of view and going with the majority
• paying attention to the people side of the problem

The potential ways in which an ISFP can irritate others include:
• being too concerned with harmony in the group
• not pushing the ISFP's own ideas and contribution enough
• being stubborn over issues the group did not anticipate being a problem
• avoiding conflict and not giving forthright criticism when it is needed
• focusing so much on interpersonal issues that cost and other impersonal considerations are not adequately addressed
• perhaps failing to take a longer term view
• taking people at face value and not recognising underlying motives

Personal Growth
As with all types, the ISFP can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:
• being prepared to declare the ISFP's personal values
• interpreting the facts they observe to reveal hidden meanings
• undertaking a critical appraisal of a situation or person, and expressing disagreement or criticism when it could be of value to the recipient
• establishing a long term goal, developing a outline plan for achieving it, and working towards it
• listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis

Recognising Stress
As stress increases, 'learned behaviour' tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISFP will behave more according to type when under greater stress. For example, in a crisis, the ISFP might:
• concentrate on what the ISFP sees as important
• work alone if possible
• act impulsively and take risks
• fail to consider the cost implications

ISFP’s careers

Secretary, Librarian, Sales, Accountant/auditor/banker/economist, Administrator
Teacher

I refuse to be distress!!

2009-01-18T14:35:00.004+08:00

:O :D :O :D :O :D :O :D :O :D :O :D :O :D

I refuse to distress myself by nonsense people... so please dont try it anymore.. you would only fail!

That is my shout out in my Orkut Profile today!! :D

Its because of a scrap which me and La received last night from an old common friend, Abdul, and so i thought that he was a friend. The scrap was written in an Urdu Language.

I was about to sleep last night when I thought of checking my Orkut scrapbook. There I saw Abdul's scrap! The moment I saw it I know there is something wrong with the message. So I sent an sms to my friend Bullet in Pakistan and ask him to translate the message. His reply "Its an abusive word Yaar, who told u that?". The moment I read his reply, my head feels like it is going to explode with questions of WHY?????? :#...

Abdul is such a nice friend. He never treated me and La in any bad way before. He even said before that me and La were his closest friend. The last time I had contact with him was months ago. I lost my mobile phone and wasn't able greet him last New Year holiday but still my last communication with him was a good one so his scrap was really a ghastly surprise for me and for La :@.

I wont be posting here anymore what was Abdul's message meaning as it is really one of the most abusive word anyone can speak of!

I refuse to distress myself by nonsense people...

That's is the most perfect thought I can only say about this incident! Truth is I got distress upon knowing what he have just scrap after the friendship I have given to him! Truth is I only feel regret coz I have wasted time worrying every time he ask me to call him in a thought that he are having some problem! Truth is I am disappointed to myself for not knowing that this will happen :(!

Anyway, I refuse to distress myself by nonsense people!. So I will not think of this again. Let this serve as another lesson for me to learn.

I am not a Perfect Girl!!

2009-01-18T14:24:00.002+08:00

I'm not a perfect girl!
My hair most often out of place,
I cant wear make-up properly
Without smudging it first all over my face..

I'm not a perfect girl!
Though I tried to do things carefully,
I still spill a lot of things,
Coz clumsy is my second name!

I'm not a perfect girl!
Though I tried to enjoy girl's vanity,
I still walk like a man in a rush hour,
And speak like them when rude!

I'm not a perfect girl!
Though I love my friends so much,
I sometimes fight with them,
and maybe some days nothing goes right.

Oh I wish to be a perfect girl!
But looking back on it,
I realize thats what makes my life most worth living
and that maybe... just maybe ..

I like being an Imperfect Girl!

Im Sick and in Pain!!!

2009-01-09T08:04:00.004+08:00

Yes, I'm Sick! Not only physically but mentally too :#.

Physically, I am having a flu :(...

Mentally, I am emotionally tired. My heart and mind is beaten and battered. Just this morning I received another heart breaking message from my Mom. She said, my Dad aren't going home anymore since January 6. What a way to start our new year :@. I don't know how men's mind work but one thing I know that is for sure, Most of the men in my family are a bunch of stupid and unfaithful creatures. Oh My God :c, I love them all so dearly but I don't understand how they were able to hurt people who love them most :#. Why they couldn't see that indirectly they are hurting all the girls in our family. Why they couldn't protect us with all this pain? :(.. I'm sure my sister now thinks the same way as I do. I just hope this nightmare end soon coz the pain in my heart is enough to kill me :c.

Sometimes it pains me a lot to pull a good smile in front of others while my heart is crying out loud inside and mocking me for smiling and pretending that things are all alright. I thought long ago that I am used to this set up, but I realize now that as time passes by... It is burning my heart and soul in pain... I feel like breaking down inside... I feel like running away from all this anguish... I dont know anymore what to do... Should I start facing reality now :(..

Oh God! Please help me get through this :y... only You can end this nightmare in my family. Please do it soon :(

Another Year of Hope (2009)

2009-01-08T12:52:00.002+08:00

As I reflect on my life, I realize most of my time were wasted :o. My life seems to be going no where. Love, Career, Family, Friends and others, seems all were shattered in the year of 2008. What makes me say that? Ok, let me enumerate what are the bad things that happen in year 2008 :(..

Love... still zero :D
Career.. still zero progress :(
Family.. from bad gone to worst :(
Friends.. ok, this one is not outright bad coz I have met many new friends but what hurts is the death of one real friend :(
Others... Its too many to mention :D

Anyway, I am writing this to set goals for myself for year 2009. It is anyway a year with Another of Hope for all of us. Here are my hopes for year 2009:

Love... I dont hope much... in God's will.. I know he will come :).
Career... I should change company, if not work abroad at least work near home :).
Family.. Once, I am able to work near home. I'll be watching more of them. Help Mom to guide the lost brother :D.
Friends... I'll try to be more in touch with my high school friends near home ;).
Others... L'll lessen everything that I have overdo in the year 2008 :D.

Thats all for now ;)...

All Because You Kissed Me Goodnight

2008-12-03T16:20:00.001+08:00

(After reading one friend’s blog, poems from my college literature class sunk in to my head…which made me post one of my 2 favorite poems in his blog as a comment, “We Wear the Mask”… And this is the other poem I like.. Read along so you will know why :)…)

I apologized to all of you coz I don’t know the name of the poem’s writer :(….

All Because You Kissed Me Goodnight

I climbed the door and opened the stairs
Said my pajamas and pull on my prayers
Then turned off the bed and crawled into the light
All because you kissed me goodnight

Next morning I woke and scrambled my shoes
Polished my eggs and toasted the news
I couldn't tell my left from my right
All because you kissed me goodnight

That evening at last I felt normal again,
So I picked up my mother and called up the phone
I spoke to the puppy and threw Dad a bone
Even at midnight the sun was still bright
All because you kissed me goodnight.

Better Head or Better Heart!

2008-12-01T22:28:00.003+08:00

In my desire to take away my pain, I follow what others often say.. If you got hurt coz of love, The best remedy is too fall in love AGAIN!

My hearts says I am not ready yet.. I know I wont be able to give my heart again and trust it to another man.. But this time I decided to follow my head.. Once, I followed my heart and it only brought me pain :(..

Maybe I have a better head than heart.. And so I thought!

I tried to entertain a new offer of love hoping that it will come to me too as time goes by. But I was wrong! After almost a year of playing hide and seek with him (I am hiding while he keep on seeking for me), I realized that I am not worthy for him.. Not because I am better than him.. But because I couldn't give him the same love he have for me. I know I had been unfair to him, using him as my ESCAPE GOAT from pain.. I couldn't go on anymore realizing that fact.. I will just be bringing both of us in a lifetime of misery...

I said goodbye to him through an sms.. He have tried to talk to me. But I refuse to.. I just dont want him to change my mind...

Now, I dont know if I have a better head or a better heart.. Coz on both ways.. I failed!

A Recollection!

2008-12-01T22:01:00.003+08:00

After losing in my first bet in the so called LOVE, I have tried so hard to ignore the pain that is slowly killing me inside. I kept a happy face in front of my Mom whenever she tired to asked me on what really happens. I have too much pride in me that I don't want even my Mom to see that I am a loser. I longed to run and cry to her lap and share my pains like I used to do when I was still a little girl. But No! I just couldn't do that :(. The proud me says 'I could continue living as if nothing happen' while the loser side of me is crying out loud, screaming in pain. For a couple of months, I look like a boxer waiting for the ring anchor to announce who is the winner.. Keeping a winning face and hoping that it would be him despite of its already black and blue wounded face :(..

I am not sure now if I can call it an act of bravery or I am really just a coward and afraid to let other people see that I am not better than them, that I also cry when get hurt and that I also scream when in pain. Not once did I cry in front of my friends or to anybody, but inside the four corners of my room.. there you can hear my whimper of pain.. In my pillow, there you can see the traces of my tears :(..

Its been more than 2 years since I last cried on it.. But remembering those days can still make me feel gloomy until now.. I have move on or not.. That, I do not know!

My Tears!

2008-11-26T10:47:00.005+08:00

(Gee! Its already 10 in the morning and I am still in the bus on the way to jobsite :(.. I wonder how come my Boss had all those patience on me after giving him lousy excuses on my tardiness :o..Anyway, this is not about my tardiness :p.. I am getting bored now in the bus.. :(..)

i am lousy in saying Goodbye! Yeah, I suck on it to be blunt! I hate those tear jerking goodbye scene coz it only made one person looking more miserable.. I hate seeing people crying in front of the person who aggravate them coz it looks like they are the one at fault and begging!!!

Ooopps! Dont think that I am tough and that I don't cry coz it would be a big irony! I am a crying baby.. My tears fall easily.. I have just come to learn to hide it.. I have come to learn that no one is appreciating my tears at all :(..

I was on my 3rd year high school when my Mom told me that my Dad had an another child to another woman.. A boy as old as my younger brother! Hearing it make my tears fall uncontrollably :(.. I look at my Mom's face to ask questiöns that were running in my young mind.. but it was void of emotion at that time.. My Dad comes in and saw me crying.. I hide my face from him but not before he saw my tears.. I could still remember what was his exact words when he saw my tears.. "Why are you crying?"... Hearing that question made me want to shout on his face and tell him that I am crying coz of the pain I am feeling inside.. Coz of the feeling of betrayal that is breaking my heart.. But I have choose to remain silent and wipe my tears away! The fact that he was unfaithful wont be able to change by my tears anyway!

I was 23 when I had my first boyfriend.. It lasted for 2 years and a half according to the calendar :p.. The first 2 years was sailing smoothly though 20 months in that 2 years were a long distance relationship. After I resign to the company where we first met.. He went back to their province.. A 4 hour trip from me.. So meeting him in the past 20 months was only for at least once or twice a month.. And as I have said earlier.. It was sailing smoothly for our first 2 years until one fateful day.. On one of his visit to me at our home.. He open the secrets in his closet that he had been keeping all along :(.. He was married and with 2 kids.. And was separated for 2 years before he met me :(.. The latter fact didnt comfort me a bit.. All I understand at that time was I've been betrayed again.. I've been fooled.. And I am a fool :(.. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.. Tears were flooding on my face.. I am bewildered on what he was telling me.. Why?? He look so true in front of my family.. my Mom adore him though I must say that my Dad dont like him.. I met his mother and sister more than a couple of times.. And still??? :(.. Again, for the second time in my life I end up feeling dumb trying to answer questions in my head.. I couldn't say a word and tell him the turmoil running in my mind.. I look at him and saw that he was on tears too :(.. I have longed to wipe his tears away and tell him that it is alright.. That I forgive him and continue like we were as if nothing happens :(.. But my hand is too short.. It only manage to wipe my own tears :(.. Anyway, my tears wont be able to change his past!

I am not saying I regret shedding all those tears coz from every drop of those tears.. That is where my strength now are coming from.. From those tears that is where I have learned so much in life.. From those tears that is where the BETTER ME came from :).. A better ME that knows more now who deserves my tears ;)

Gee, I am confused!

2008-11-26T09:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I attend a job interview for Abu Dhabi post as an Office Engineer :).. The interview went well based on the Employer's reaction.. Though some he don't agree on my demands for salary and other benefits :P... He discussed about the would be project that will start by January of next year.. And told me and may I quote "Your post will be as office engineer and probably u will start by January so you can spend Christmas and New Year with your family this year.. We will call you after a week for final offer".. Hearing words of spending Christmas and New Year with my family struck on my head :(.. Am I really ready to leave my home for greener pasture?

The night before that interview, I am in the turmoil of confusion if I would attend that interview or not.. Which at last I have end up falling asleep while thinking on it..

What brought the turmoil of confusion in my head?

Its because of the words of one of my orkut friend.. One of the sweetest I met in Orkut.. This old lady whose not only the number in her age that adding up as years go by but her sweetness too and the number of people who love her :).. A cheerful and lovable lady.. I call her my Nanay G ;) and Captain G to others in World Cruise Boat..

Sunday night when I last scrap her.. I ask her to bless me for my upcoming job interview :).. And this was her reply..

I will
i will
i will pray for u if that what will make u happy!

Thinking so much on her words, confuse me a lot :(.. Her simple words made my head turning 360 degrees.. Would I be really happy to go out of my country and leave my home and family for 2 years? Would I be really happy to work in a foreign land to earn more? It left me dumb trying to answer those questions :(..

Telling to my Mom the outcome of my interview only confuse me more.. After discussing to her the status and location of the project seems that she is scared for me too.. Considering that in previous months.. She is the only person at home that is anxious for me tn try to work abroad.. And now she is making a full turn!

Gee! What a real big confusion! :(..

REALIZATION

2008-10-14T11:10:00.005+08:00

Ever since my Bestfriend died, I have met a lot of new friends.. Some were true to their friendship but most often were not.. Some of them run to you when they are sad and put you aside when they are feeling good… Some friends managed to daily drop by to say Hi then immediately say bye :O.. Some friends managed to make you smile even you are sad but never bothered to ask why you are sad :( …

Realizing now the cause of my restlessness this past few days, I guess its partly because I am expecting too much from those friends.. and had failed… Expectation of finding Best on them :( ... Unfair of me?.. Yes, I know that :((…

I don’t know if I will meet another Bestfriend who will care for me same way he took care of me.. Realizing this makes me more forlorn... I am just missing him terribly.. And no matter how much I tell to myself that I have moved on... I know I have not :( ... In this tough world, he is the only person whom I can snatched strength when I am weak.. the only person whom I can be a child again.. the only person whom I can throw my tantrums and still forgive me at the end of the day… maybe that’s why I called him Best :) …

People say that we all have one Soulmate in our lifetime.. and I guess I have met mine and then lost him :( … though losing him is a grief for me, I have come to accept (coz I have no more choice but accept it :(() that he is more better there in heaven.. where he would be free from sorrow and pains.. where worries have no place.. where all people are singing along with the Angels...

For my Best

Olive Tree

2008-09-30T08:26:00.002+08:00

Last Sunday’s mass hit me hard.. the priest sermon’s in his homily did it… its like a bomb that exploded in my head :f.. and until today.. it makes me wonder if I am also an Olive Tree.. :( … Which is already dying inside but still look greeny in the outside… No one knows it is long time dead coz physically it look so fine and healthy… I don’t want to die like an olive tree :( … But slowly, I am dying now… :c and no one knows it :x … only Best could have tell what I am feeling right now.. But Best is gone.. along with the Angels :y above…

I don’t want to die of sadness :( but I couldn’t help it.. In the middle of a crowd, I am laughing so loud but it feels so empty :c… Am I sick now and dying like an Olive tree?? :# ...

A Saddy Mownin'

2008-09-30T07:54:00.005+08:00

I woke up sad today.. and I don’t know why :( … I am having attack of depression again… waaaaaaaah… :( Feels like something is wrong… something is missing.. and it scare the hell out of me... now I want to run and hide… Nooooo… :( I don’t want to entertain this thoughts.. This will only make me move backward… Huh?!! This must be because I am missing home again… It would be a month since I last go home… :( Yes.. this must be only reason…

A FRIEND INDEED

2008-09-24T09:18:00.000+08:00

I’ve been out of sight and out of mind
My head wander and been astray
Then you came along and offer your hand
You lift me up and show me the way

I’ve been hurt and badly beaten
My heart stop beating and it was almost dead
You came along and offer your shoulder
To let me cry and then wipe my tears

Now its’ my turn to say my thanks
How lucky I am for having you my friend
When time will come you’ll need a shoulder
Don’t be forlorn coz I am here.

IN MY GRIEF

2008-08-21T12:35:00.001+08:00

In my grief
I have forgotten I have a friend
I have not remember there is YOU
Who are willing to wipe away my tears.

In my grief
I have hurt you my friend
I run hiding in my own cocoon
And left you alone wandering where I am

In my grief
I ignore you calling my name
I have close my eyes for your need of a friend
And left you alone in your lament

After my grief
I look for where you are
But couldn’t find you anymore
Coz you grew tired waiting for me

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

2008-08-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

In the middle of the night
I saw you standing from a far
Looking at me forlornly
Is it because you’re missing me too?

In the middle of the night
Tears are falling from your eyes
Pain for leaving me alone in this world
Is all that written in your face

In the middle of the night
I run to where you are
Feel your warm embrace
And comfort me from my grief

In the middle of the night
I saw you walking towards the light
Away from me again
Leaving me crying out your name

In the middle of the night
I take away my life
For the unbearable pain of losing you
And so I can be with you again

NO MORE LOVE POEM

2008-08-20T16:42:00.001+08:00

I wish to write a love poem
But I have forgotten how
I wish to write a love poem
But no words of love coming in my mind

I am trying to write a love poem
But my pen had run out of ink
I am trying to write a love poem
But all my paper is in waste bin

I guess there would be no more love poem from me
As I have no more love to share
I guess there would be no more love poem from me
As my heart have died along with you

ALONE IN THIS LIFETIME

2008-08-15T08:30:00.000+08:00

Why you have to go and leave me in this manner?
You should have at least return my heart so I could continue living...
Even in your last breath,
You manage to break another promise...
And that is to be with me forever...

Tears will be forever falling from my eyes...
And until we meet again, My eyes wont Dry...
You should be here to see me hurting
To dry my tears that is mourning for you..

Now I am left alone in a lifetime of misery...
I will be living without my heart...
Coz you have bring it with you in your grave...
And I wont be complete again until we meet in the next life...
But in this lifetime, I AM ALONE...

In My Solitude...

2008-08-04T14:11:00.010+08:00

Have you ever wake up in a morning and felt like you are so tired?
And no matter how much you tell to yourself that it’s a good morning but still you can’t even pull a smile in your face….

Have you ever laughed so loud and still felt like you are really not happy?
And no matter how much you convince yourself that you are happy but still tears are falling down on your face?

Have you ever been in a crowd and still felt like you are alone?
And no matter how wide the smile the people gave to you for throwing a really funny joke but still you felt loneliness….

Have you ever won a game and still felt unsuccessful?
And no matter how much they praise you for your success but still you felt emptiness…

Have you ever ask yourself why I am asking these questions today?
And would it matter to you if I told you that I am in need of a friend today?

A SLEEPY NIGHT

2008-07-25T16:49:00.000+08:00

Phew!

Last night is a terrible night . The ballast of one of our fluorescent lamp burn after one of the girls who arrived late switched it on. We are all been awaken by its burning smell and smoke inside the room . Good thing all have a sound mind and didn’t panic . We all decided to call an electrician even at that wee hour to repair the blasted lighting coz we know we wouldn’t be able to return sleep again knowing that there might be some effect on that still live wire. Thankfully the electricians are still awake. We all able to return to sleep at almost 1:00 A.M.. My head is terribly aching at that time and my eyes are already half close . Nevertheless, I am glad that there is no damage nor been hurt cause by that small commotion.

Baby Liaña Micci's Baptismal (July 20, 2008)

2008-07-24T08:55:00.001+08:00

Last Sunday, July 20, 2008, I attended, with my other officemates, a baptismal ceremony for my friend’s daughter Liaña Micci wherein I am one of her godmothers. Liaña Micci’s father, Michael Cruz whom I used to call “Pare”, had been my friend way back college and was my officemate for almost 2 years here in Hanjin Construction. But just a few weeks ago, he resigned from our company to be able to work abroad (in Dubai). So more or less, that occasion might be the last time I will see him before he fly for greener pasture. And I will surely miss him .

The Baptismal venue is in Angat, Bulacan which is almost 4 hours trip from our jobsite (Subic) so we have hired a Service Van for a comfortable trip. Actually it was the first time I have meet Michael’s family even after many years of friendship. We arrive late in the church and reach there on its last part…..

…….the clapping part and then the picture taking part …

... lolz

Another Teary Night

2008-07-22T08:55:00.003+08:00

Last night, he made me cry again for the reasons that I don’t know... I hate this feeling.. If it is really love that people always profess, I don’t understand how they are capable of hurting their love ones .

If loving someone should be this painful, I pray to God that He take all the love from me so I won’t feel the terrible pain in my heart everytime this will happen.

My hands are aching to switch off my phone so I will have reason not to know if he never did return my call.. but a promise is a promise. I have promise to always keep our communication open no matter what happen.

It’s almost midnight when sleep have pity me and finally came. Probably it grew tired of listening on my silent cries .

Work Sucks!

2008-07-16T19:25:00.001+08:00

This job is becoming monotonous and sooner or later I'll explode on it . I am receiving too much stress from subcontractor.. I am becoming their emotional baggage.. i am tired of having a listening ear and then cant do anything abot it. My hands are also tied so I have no other words to tell to them but "I understand you, sir" and "I will try to help you, sir" though I know I wont be able to do anything in it . Oh gee!! I will turn nuts on this work .

My First Bet in the Game called LOVE

2008-07-16T10:52:00.002+08:00

(It’s already 5 am here and still I am wide awake… I hope after writing this cobweb on my head I will be able to finally sleep…. I was supposed to be resting since I am on vacation from work… but where are you sleep??? … don’t you pity me??? please visit me.. come on now, sleep… come to me... )

I was 23 years old when I first tried playing that game. And like most first time gambler, I am a bit hesitant at first. Before that, my ideals and expectation for my supposed to be playmate are high. I want everything to be in order and want someone whom my family will appreciate and be proud of. I want someone that is if not more than my capabilities but of equal. But cupid is not good to me. He have tried to play on me to teach some lesson. And I have gain my lesson in love on my first bet the hard way .

It was my first out of town project when I met him. It is the first construction team I have handled as a Project Engineer in job site . I was so excited and nervous at the same time coz I know handling that team will be a great challenge for me. And making a bunch of hardheaded and self opinionated man to follow me and respect my decisions will not be an easy job for me. The first 4 weeks of my stay at the job site was not in any way easy. It feels like I am struggling for power and respect against my Foreman. It is hard work that made me earned it from him and from other men. There are still few who have tried to test my knowledge on our work and try to test my courage for being the only girl in our job site. But I remain decisive to show them I am worthy of their respect and though I don't know more than they do but still there are things that I know which they don't know. Later on, working with them while learning more is a great experience for me.

Things are going smoothly, One day my Manager bring a new set of manpower to catch up with our behind schedule. And there, he is one of them. From the first time that I have seen him, I admit I am scared to look at his face. Maybe it is my instinct telling me that he will be causing me great pain later on. I have tried my best to act casually in everyday working with him. I couldn't show I am afraid of him just after I gained respect from my other staffs. Still I tried to interact less to him than to other workers. He is actually a military man who AWOL in service to give in to his ailing mothers' request. That is maybe the reason why he always stand out and with authority among others.

Work were going well but my Manager seems to be having problem on his finances which makes his visit at our job site less. This affects our salary flow. There were times that he will just sent one of his staff from office to give only half of our payroll cost. Explaining this things to hardworking men who expect their salary to bring home after a week of being away from their family. Some men started to have night vices such as drinking in the nearest pub house. And men when sober with alcohol become unruly and even sometimes forget themselves.

One occassion proves that alcohol will not bring anything good in human when taken in excess happened. It was around 2 a.m. when one men knocks on my room waking me up coz two of our workers were fighting and the other one is holding a knife. I had second thought if I will go out of my room and try to mediate in their fight which being their Engineer is my duty or just remain on my room and let them kill each other. Check this link to know what i did on that night http://jennifercasiano.blogspot.com/2008/04/little-me-in-mens-jungle.html...

After that night which results on dismissing two of my staff. I become more wary in dealing with my staff. To make things worst, responsibility in dealing with problems regarding our project cash flow had been transferred to me as my Manager are most of the time not around. I almost cry daily and been wanting to leave to go home and cry once again to my father’s lap like what I used to do when I was a kid but pride is keeping me to stay. I have to prove something for once. I could not just run away when things break out and run to Daddy all the time. So I stay alone in my grief.

One afternoon while I am inspecting the work we have accomplished on that day (I used to inspect when all men have gone for the day to their barracks), I saw this freshly written words “I LOVE YOU JES-FER” using mango leaves tainting our 3 day-plastered wall. The first thing that runs in my mind is “Oh my God, how am I going to erase this? ”, I know someone had play a trick on me coz the word Fer is part of my name Jennifer. I will die in embarrassment if someone saw it and realize it is related to me. While I was looking for something to erase that damn writing on the wall, there I saw him. The scariest man I have ever seen. And that is where the biggest mistake in my life started .

(I have started writing this entry in my blog last April 26, 2008... Thankfully, I have finished this now )

PWLS-KLIM Girl's 1st Meeting ala Concert

2008-07-02T10:07:00.002+08:00

This video was taken last March 30, 2008

I took this video using only my mobile so its reception is a little bit hazy… please bear with me :((..

Meet my PWLS-KLIM/HGGG SISTER’s and join our fun ;)

Its Honey and Mariam singing the song 'Catch Me, I'm Falling

Star of the Day.... Jellyfish

2008-06-27T08:55:00.013+08:00

May 23, 2008... Beach in Tagkawayan Quezon...

This jellyfish spoils our fun in swimming.... attacks when we are all enjoying.. hmp! Its victims?? My sister Arlene and Niece Janine... so we set in catching it... and this is its poor destiny... our revenge... bwahahaha..:O

Summer Vacation 2008

2008-06-27T08:55:00.009+08:00

I know this entry is a bit late... Just thought of writing again here to relax myself... Writing is my way of composing back myself to face reality.... But this time I want to reminisce only happy days... It might somehow affect my mood and brighten my day....

May 22-26, 2008

My family with other relatives (except Mom and my brother Anthony who were left to take care of home and business) went to our province, Tagkawayan Quezon, for the feast... we usually go there every other year.. but since father is the one in-charge in the farm for two years.. our family visits become often (minus me coz of my work.. i only able to join them once a year)... This year's feast dont have much activity aside from eating, swimming, eating. sleeping and running around the muddy farm.... hehehe...... Its because most relatives will be coming on next year feast to attend the reunion as well... Nevertheless, this summer vacation is very relaxing..

Dad's old home.... still looks the same after 40 years..

.
Greenery Farm

sooooo thirsty?? Get your own Buko (Coconut) Juice

Modern Cart... hehehe.....

No plate available? No problem... we got lots of banana leaves.....

My two naughty nephew (Mark Anthony and the youngest Mark Andrew)

With my cousins'.... see? doesn't we all look almost at same age??.... hehehe..

What is up in there???.... I dont know either.. just we are playing with the camera... hehehe...

Gee.. this kids have nothing to do... stop that cockfight... Uncle will surely break your head if he found out wounds on his pets...hehehe....

check this video of our swimming....

They are my simple joys.....

Happiness that can be found from simple things... :))

Anatomy of A True Friend

2008-06-26T09:54:00.003+08:00

For Best….

The Little Me in the Men's Jungle

2008-04-25T05:15:00.000+08:00

I was 22 years old when I got my first out of town project. It is the first construction team I have handled as a Project Engineer in job site. I was so excited and nervous at the same time coz I know handling that team will be a great challenge for me. And making a bunch of hardheaded and self opinionated man to follow me and respect my decisions will not be an easy job for me. The first 4 weeks of my stay at the job site was not in any way easy. It feels like I am struggling for power and respect against my Foreman all the time. It is hard work that made me earned it from him and from other men. There are still few who have tried to test my knowledge on our work and try to test my courage for being the only girl in our job site. But I remain decisive to show them I am worthy of their respect and though I don't know more than they do but still there are things that I know which they don't know. Later on, working with them while learning more is a great experience for me.

Work were going well but my Manager seems to be having problem on his finances which makes his visit at our job site less. This affects our salary flow. There were times that he will just sent one of his staff from office to give only half of our payroll cost. Explaining this things to hardworking men who expect their salary to bring home after a week of being away from their family is a tough job. Some men started to have night vices such as drinking in the nearest pub house. And men when sober with alcohol become unruly and even sometimes forget themselves.

One occassion proves that alcohol will not bring anything good in human when taken in excess happened. It was around 2 a.m. when one men knocks on my room waking me up coz two of our workers were fighting and the other one is holding a knife. I had second thought if I will go out of my room and try to mediate in their fight which being their Engineer is my duty or just remain on my room and let them kill each other.

Honestly, It is the first time I have encounter men like that. I have grew up in a too sheltered life that I did not seen the harshness of the world except in television. I was afraid to go out and put a mask that i am brave coz I am not in any way brave. My father is always there to keep us safe all the time. But the man who calls me are still waiting outside my door so I have no choice but to hurriedly change from my sleeping wear and go out to them.

I am barely breathing when I shouted to the two men fighting and to other men who is just watching them fight "Aren't you men no shame? Waking me up in this time just to mediate in all this foolishness. All of you go back to your barracks and tomorrow i will see you all again". I sound tough, right? But deep within me, a turmoil is running inside my mind. What if this two men put their anger on me instead. Will this be the last time I will wake up? I am crossing my fingers while saying those words and praying to God that nobody will argue on me coz I really dont know what to do next. It took ten seconds before one man turn around and start walking back to their barracks. Other men immediately followed him. That ten seconds seems like a lifetime for me. It is the longest ten seconds anybody could have. And the most expensive ten seconds too coz it have save my life.

The following morning, I have to be tough again coz I have to let my 2 men go. I don't want to be the reason for them to be jobless but I want to keep other people safe too. And eversince we have started working at that jobsite, they all know my rules. Drinking alcohol is a big No-No. Last night could have ended worst and I couldn't bear another scene like that on my jobsite or they might not bear on me on the next time I interrupt on their fight, then I will be dead.

KEEPING THE FRIENDSHIP

2008-04-21T08:56:00.001+08:00

Ever since my bestfriend told me that he is getting married, I know things are no longer the same। Being him the first and only man who became my bestfriend, I became possessive of him and it shattered me for a moment. But thinking back on the friendship that once we both shared, I have to recollect myself and be the friend that I am always been to him. He needs me now more than any other occasion.

As days passes it makes me realize what a fool I am. I know that whatever happens, I will have that special place in my bestfriend’s heart and will always be his bestfriend. It is true that he will be having a new life of his own and be building his own family and life won’t be the same again। He won’t be available in every minute that I’ll need someone to hear my woes but surely he will still be there to help me when I couldn’t hold things on my own. He might not be always there to watch what I am doing from afar and scold me when I screwed up but surely his wishes for me to be the best that I am will still be the same. He might not be able to accompany me in my late night travel to home but surely he will still pray that I arrive safely. I might not be occupying the biggest part in his heart now instead the smallest part on it but I know it is the most special part.

So on this day onwards, I am wishing my “Best” with only the very best that life could offer on this new stage on his life.

Best wishes to you, Best.

I DIED TODAY

2008-04-17T09:30:00.000+08:00

How many times people can die?

They said we all have only one life.

I wish that is true coz for me it seems I died already and in fact today is my second death.

I received a good news from my bestfriend that he is going to get married. Well, that is good news for him and it is the news that kills me. Receiving that message from him makes me hold my breath and words are stuck on my throat. No words were coming out from my lips and feels like something is strangling me to death. I wanted to keep up a happy face in front of him while my heart is bleeding to death. I close my eyes for a while to hold back the tears that are about to fall but my tears is not as weak as my heart so it flow stubbornly on my face.

I don’t want him to see this tears so I excuse myself and run to the ladies room.

After composing back myself I return to my bestfriend and with a mask of a happy face. Give him my best wishes and hurriedly say goodbye.

He will never know how bad he have hurt me and that he is the cause of my death.

Love destroyed the friendship

2008-03-27T08:07:00.001+08:00

In the middle of the night Mommy Cupid was awaken by a sound of a sob coming from the room of her son, Baby Cupid. Worried that there is something wrong with her son, she walk to her son’s room wherein she saw Baby Cupid sobbing on his bed.

She slowly walk to her son and ask “Son, what is wrong? What makes you cry as if your heart is being torn apart?”

Baby Cupid lift up his teary face to his mother. “Oh, Mommy! I suck on my mission. Two hearts are now bleeding because of me. And I can’t do anything to make it heal. So it is only fair that I take part of their pain coz this is my fault”.

“Son, please don’t talk like that.. It can never be your fault coz we are only here to make wishes of people come true. Whatever went wrong it is human’s fault”, Baby Cupid’s mother explained to him.

“No Mommy! You don’t know what happen, it is really my fault. They look so good together, it’s as if one is the extension of another eventhough they both came from different world. Knowing this difference I still throw my arrow to them. I always believe that love can move mountains and cross the bridges that separates them apart.”

Mommy Cupid getting more worried on the outburst of her son become so curious, “Son, I won’t be able to understand what you mean unless you will tell me what exactly happens”

Baby Cupid replied, “Mommy, look at the Crystal Ball. There you will see two hearts which I have done so wronged”.

Mommy look down to the crystal ball wherein she saw two hearts that is terribly wounded. But one heart caught her attention more coz the heart seems not beating anymore. It seems dead by the look of it. She stared on it much longer and realize that she was wrong.. Yes, it is still beating but very low. It seems to stop fighting. Its’ as if it is just waiting for God to take its life, no more will to go on. Mommy Cupid couldn’t help but compare it to the other heart which looks less wounded. And as she keeps her eye on it, she noticed that it is slowly healing its wounds. It is very opposite to the first heart which had lost the sense to continue to beat. This heart is trying to fight whatever pains its wound causing.

Mommy look back to her son wondering what happen to this two hearts to which her son claimed have caused.

Before Mommy Cupid was able to ask her son, Baby Cupid explained.. “Mommy, it is the heart of a girl and a boy who fell in love to each other despite of their difference”.

Mommy Cupid asked, “But Son, which heart is from the boy and the one from the girl? One of the hearts was almost dying and I couldn’t understand how come the other one is now healing its wounds when as you had said they both love each other.”

Baby Cupid answered, “I will tell you Mommy their story. They are both alone in a foreign land when they first met. The girl seems at lost and the boy gave her a helping hand. That is where their friendship started. And as time passes by, they discover that they have so many common traits and likes. The other one don’t even need to say what the other is thinking coz they almost think alike. They have a special connection that other people don’t have. They are like two bodies in one soul. Because of that they became Best of Friends.

I was so happy watching at them from afar. They both look good together and were able to share the joy they have to other people. With that, I decided that I should make them more than Best of Friends. I want them to be a real couple who can be together forever.

I know it won’t be hard for me to do so coz they already have their friendship as foundation for their love. So I throw my arrow of love to both of them. I was really delighted on the result. They were so in love to each other and it seems that nothing can separate them apart.

But I was wrong. The time comes when the boy needs to leave the foreign land and return to his native land. The girl wanted to go with the boy but circumstances prevented her from doing so. Instead she made the boy promised that he will wait for her until she have settled her problems and be able to follow him to his native land. Both of them cry on the day they have to separate even they vowed to meet again. The boy flew to his native land while the girl tried her best to do her unfinished business.

But it took the girl longer than she had thought it would be to settle it all. She had tried her best to explain to the boy what is keeping her from going to him. But the boy has been blinded by too much jealousy and won’t listen to reason anymore. He gave an ultimatum to the girl on when he could only wait for her.

The girl was so confuse. She doesn’t know what to do at first. She couldn’t choose between two important things, her career and her family against her love. The girl tried to work out both things coz she knows that without the other one, she will be incomplete.

So as soon as she had finished the things that hold her back to go unto her love, she hastily left the foreign land to go to where her heart is. Only to find out that she is a few days late. The boy had married another girl to hurt her for ignoring his ultimatum. He had chosen to punish both of them than wait and believe on her that she will come soon to reunite with him.

The girl bravely confronted the boy who broke her heart into pieces, to ask him a thousand WHY but no words are coming out from her lips. Only the tears that coming from her eyes explain the pain she had inside. The boy who had lost faith on his girl couldn’t believe how he was able to hurt her. He couldn’t stand the pain he is seeing on his beloved sweet face. He thought he could ignore her pain since she had hurt him by making him wait so long. Now, he realized he was wrong.

When the girl turn her back on him and started to walk away from him forever, he felt like dying and wished that God will take his life on that instant. His life would not be worth living after seeing how bad he is for hurting his love."

“Now, Mommy do you know now who’s heart is from the girl and the one from the boy?"

Mommy Cupid nod in understanding to his son.

“Also Mommy, could you tell me now, is it not my fault? Being from different world, I should have let them stay as friends and treasured that friendship forever”, the uncontrollable tears are now falling to Baby Cupid’s eyes after telling to his mother what causes his pain.

Mommy Cupid smiles on her son but still couldn’t help her tears from falling down while saying, “Son, our missions in life is to spread love to people. Their happiness is also our joy, the fulfillment of their love will be our greatest achievement. But still no matter how much we have guided them, everything is still in the hands of the Almighty God. I understand what you feel my little one, but you have to be brave as you still have a lot of love to spread to people and many tears to cry because of them”.

Moral Lesson: Jealousy is the greatest of all evils, and the one which arouses the least pity in the person who causes it”

I Can't Cry Hard Enough

2008-03-06T10:48:00.001+08:00

I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

Time flies and I never knew that I could survive this long without you. Although life is no longer the same since that painful day, thinking of the people who loves me makes me move forward and look ahead for tomorrow.

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I have painfully accepted that you are no longer mine but to someone else’s arms. I have no more tears to weep for you as it had been long time dry. I have no more love to give as it had been long time wasted.

I'm going to open my eyes

and see for the first time

I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

I don’t know if letting you go is the best thing for me। But keeping you beside me when I know that your heart don’t belong to me anymore is the worst thing I can do.

There it goes up in the स्काई

There it goes beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

I'm going to look back in vain

And see you standing there

When all that remains

Is just an empty chair

I can barely remember now the good times that we shared coz the pains erase it all. I wish that time will also come when I won’t even recall the look of your face, the sweetness of your smile and the sound of your voice.

And now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now....

Excerpt from the song I Cant Cry Hard Enough)

My Last Tear Drop

2008-02-23T12:51:00.000+08:00

The pain is here again. It is slowly coming down to my vein. It is getting intolerable as time passes by and I don't think I could bear it any longer. So I pack my things in hastily. I really don't know where I should go from here but I have to be away from all of this hurting memory before my sanity leaves me.

I take the first Bus that my eyes laid upon. I don't know where it is going;
I don’t care where it would lead me. All I care is for the pain to ease. A tear drop fall from my tired eyes, I promise to myself it would be the last tear my eyes will shed for you.

I close my eyes for a while and maybe because of many restless nights, I unconsciously fall asleep.

And there you are in my dream, looking so handsome and dazzling as usual. Even in a crowd, my heart can easily identify you, in my eyes you simply outshine all of them, I silently follow you move with my eyes, and it seems that you are at lost and looking for someone.

Suddenly you stop on your track as if you have found what you are looking for. With unreadable expression in your eyes, your gaze fell on me as if you’re trying to read what I am feeling inside. And then gradually a smile came out from your sweet lips. The smile that makes my heart beat so fast that makes me barely catch my breath. Oh! I am alive again. I can feel my heart pounding so fast. It’s been quite a long time since I last saw that smile on your lips for me and it is miraculously healing all my wounds. It is taking away all my pain.

Shall I smile back to you? I am ready to forgive and forget all the pains. Yes, I can do it. You are the reason why I am alive again. I am willing to settle for anything that you would offer just come back to me. I hesitantly smile back to you. As if waiting for that cue, you started walking towards me with a wide smile on your face.

Tears of joy are now rolling down from my eyes. I have already lost hope. I have already given up. And I couldn’t believe that you are here standing in front of me. I widely open my arms to welcome you back.

But why I don’t feel the familiar warmth in your embrace? I couldn’t feel anymore that special connection that we have every time we touch. And why my heart says that this will be the last time I will hold you in my arms?

A tap from your back made you release me abruptly from your arms; I let you go with bewildering look on my face. And there she is, the girl you have chosen over me, she is pulling you away from me with that insulting look in her face.

But why are you not struggling away from her? Why are you letting her take you away from me? Oh no! You can’t do this to me again! I plead to you! Fight her and come back to me.

I suddenly felt so alone, the crowd seems disappear and deserted me to my own misery. But why there are no tears in my eyes? Is it possible that I weep with dry eyes, or, just simply because my tears had finally run dry?

A gentle tap on my shoulder wakes me up from my dream. A hand offering a hankie is the first thing that my eyes laid upon. “Weep no more my child. Take this and dry your tears” from the unfamiliar voice beside me. I shyly accepted it and dry the tears on my face.

But I promise to myself, this will be my last tear drop...

My Eyes Wont Dry

2008-02-22T12:36:00.000+08:00

I was hurt and was broken into pieces. I didn't know that it could be really so painful that it would make me want to run away and escape from truth. I dont think I can breathe the same air that I am breathing before, take the same path that I am walking, meet the same people that I use to nod and greet everyday. I am feeling suffocated, my tears wont dry as if there is a spring inside my eyes.

Anywhere i turn my eyes, all the memories are there. There were nights that I would fall asleep crying and wake-up

just to cry again. I wish I am dead, maybe this is what feels like to be a living dead. Working and living without purpose. I guess this is what people meant to say that somebody took their heart away from them. Yes, you took my heart away from me and leave it somewhere. I am not sure if it is still beating coz I cannot hear it anymore. Maybe that is why my eyes wont dry, it is mourning for my dead heart.

I need space, a new environment where I can find my heart. Maybe it can still be save and can put it back in its right place. I know there would be scars coz it has been terribly wounded...

But maybe when I find my heart again, my eyes will dry...